If you’ve ever wondered how your children can go from cuddling on the couch to screaming over a toy within seconds… you’re not alone. Sibling rivalry is one of the most common and most misunderstood parts of family life. Many parents imagine their children becoming lifelong best friends, only to be shocked when the reality looks more like daily battles, emotional outbursts, and endless comparisons. 

Why Sibling Rivalry Happens: A Brain-Based Explanation 

Sibling rivalry is not a sign of bad parenting or “naughty kids.” It is a normal developmental process rooted in biology, brain development, and children’s emotional needs. 

1. The Brain is Still Developing 

Children’s prefrontal cortex, the part responsible for self-control, empathy, and problem-solving, is still growing through childhood. Meanwhile, their emotional brain (the amygdala) reacts quickly and intensely. 
This means children: 

• Struggle to manage frustration 
• React impulsively 
• Feel emotions deeply but lack the skills to express them 
• Fighting often becomes their default mode of communication. 

2. It’s About Justice, Not Jealousy 

According to parenting expert Marko Juhant, sibling rivalry is rooted in perceived or real injustice. 
If one child feels the other is getting: 

• More attention 
• More praise 
• More freedom 
• More affection 

…their brain fills in the gaps with anger, resentment, and competition. Children rarely express these feelings toward the parent, they take them out on the sibling. 

3. Siblings Compete for Belonging 

Children are wired to seek connection, safety, and significance. When they feel their place in the family is threatened, whether real or imagined, they compete fiercely for your love and attention. 

This is why simple moments (choosing who gets the blue cup, who sits in the front, who picks the TV show) can feel like a battle for survival. 

The Long-Term Impact of Unmanaged Sibling Rivalry 

If rivalry becomes chronic and remains unaddressed, research shows it may lead to: 

• Higher rates of anxiety and depression 
• Low self-esteem, especially in the child who is frequently overpowered 
• Trust issues later in life 
• Difficulty forming healthy relationships 
• More anger outbursts 
• Reduced empathy 
• Persistent adult sibling conflict 

But there is good news: 
Healthy sibling conflict, when supported by adults, can actually help children thrive. 

The Benefits of Healthy Sibling Disagreements 

When parents guide conflict well, siblings learn to: 

• Develop resilience 
• Improve emotional regulation 
• Build empathy 
• Assert themselves respectfully 
• Practice negotiation and compromise 
• Strengthen problem-solving skills 
• Build creativity and flexibility 

Siblings who learn healthy patterns early tend to have stronger adult relationships and higher life satisfaction. 

Common Parenting Traps That Make Rivalry Worse 

Marko Juhant identifies several common parenting mistakes that unintentionally intensify sibling rivalry: 

1. Playing Judge and Jury 

Taking sides creates labels (“the good one,” “the difficult one”), damages trust and encourages kids to compete for your approval. 

2. Punishing During Fights 

Punishment teaches emotional suppression rather than emotional understanding. 

3. Comparing Siblings 

Even casual comparisons create insecurity, competition, perfectionism, and lifelong self-esteem issues. 

4. Sending Kids to Separate Corners 

This avoids conflict instead of teaching children how to work through it. 

5. Not Getting Involved at All 

Children cannot solve conflict alone until they have been taught the skills, otherwise the strongest child wins. 

Additional unhelpful responses include threats, bribes, yelling, dismissing feelings, and forced sharing. 

When to Step In 

Intervene when: 

• Someone is getting hurt 
• A child is overwhelmed or shutting down 
• The conflict is repeating in a cycle 
• One child consistently dominates the other 

Otherwise, gently supervise and support problem-solving. 

What Parents Can Do (Instead of Taking Sides) 

✔ 1. Stay Neutral 

Avoid playing judge and jury. Say: 
“I hear two upset children. Let’s figure this out together.” 

✔ 2. Validate Feelings 

Children calm faster when they feel understood. 
“It’s okay to feel upset. I’m here to help.” 

✔ 3. Teach Fairness, Not ‘Equality’ 

“Fair” means getting what you need, not getting the same. 
Explain: “Today your brother needs extra help. Another day it will be you.” 

✔ 4. Coach Problem-Solving 

Guide them step-by-step: 

• What happened? 
• What do you need? 
• What would help fix this? 

✔ 5. Praise Cooperation 

Not just the end result, praise teamwork. 
“I noticed how you shared the Lego pieces. That took teamwork.” 

A Powerful Technique: “Language Swap” 

When siblings are locked in an escalating argument, logic won’t work-they are operating from their emotional brain. 

This is where Juhant’s playful “Language Swap” technique becomes highly effective. 

How it works: 

1. Point to Child A and say: “You’re only allowed to speak in Spanish.” 
2. Point to Child B and say: “You’re only allowed to speak in French.” 

(Use any languages your children don’t know.) 

Suddenly, the emotional brain is interrupted and the creative brain lights up. 
Children shift from attacking each other to focusing on the hilarious challenge of pretending to speak a new language. 

The result? 

• Anger dissolves 
• Laughter replaces tension 
• The fight ends without punishment 
• Children reset emotionally 
• Parents avoid entering the conflict as referees 

It’s fun, effective, and helps children build flexibility and problem-solving skills. 

The ICE Framework (Preview) 

Juhant’s larger approach to sibling harmony is called the ICE Framework, consisting of: 

I – Interrupt the emotional spiral 

C – Connect with both children 

E – Empower them to resolve conflict 

This framework focuses on addressing root causes, not just stopping fights. 

Helping Kids Build a Strong Sibling Relationship 

Try these weekly habits: 

✔ 10 minutes of one-on-one time with each child 

✔ A team activity (“Work together to build this!”) 

✔ Family routines that promote fairness 

✔ Celebrating each child’s strengths 

✔ Teaching empathy (“How did your brother feel when…?”) 

Small, consistent changes make the biggest difference. 

Final Thoughts 

Sibling rivalry may be frustrating and exhausting, but it is deeply human and deeply normal. With the right guidance, your children can transform conflict into connection, rivalry into resilience, and chaos into cooperation. 

You don’t have to aim for a rivalry-free home, just a home where children feel safe, heard, and supported as they learn the lifelong skill of navigating relationships. 

References  

American Academy of Pediatrics. (2025, March 12). Sibling rivalry. HealthyChildren.org. https://www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/Pages/sibling-rivalry.aspx?_gl=1*6fr0hy*_ga*MjA3OTk4NTUxOS4xNzY1MzY4Mjkw*_ga_FD9D3XZVQQ*czE3NjUzNjgyOTAkbzEkZzEkdDE3NjUzNjgyOTkkajUxJGwwJGgw  

‌How to Help Siblings Get Along. (n.d.). Child Mind Institute. https://childmind.org/article/how-to-help-siblings-get-along/ 

Kramer, L. (2014). Learning Emotional Understanding and Emotion Regulation Through Sibling Interaction. Early Education and Development, 25(2), 160–184. https://doi.org/10.1080/10409289.2014.838824  

Marko, J. (2025, May 15). The science behind sibling rivalry. StrategicParenting.com. https://strategicparenting.com 

Martin, R. E., & Ochsner, K. N. (2016). The neuroscience of emotion regulation development: implications for education. Current Opinion in Behavioral Sciences, 10(10), 142–148. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cobeha.2016.06.006  

‌Weir, K. (2022, March 1). Improving sibling relationships. American Psychological Association. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2022/03/feature-sibling-relationships